Ask the experts: Jay Bruce edition

Jay Bruce arrived in the majors just one week ago, and he's already a first ballot Hall of Famer. His stat line is pretty amazing; 3 HRs, 184 RBI, 387 runs scored, 6 walks, my heart, named Super Duper Delegate. Just amazing stuff. The pundits are in unison, Jay Bruce is better than everyone. Let's take a look at what some of the most respected members of the baseball inner-circle had to say about The Bruce, shall we?

"Jay Bruce Almighty is just so goddamn rude. Gaaaah, the nerve of some people. Fuck. I've got 324 different nicknames and home runs calls to get in, but we can't go 8 fucking seconds without a Jay "Born in the USA" Bruce update. It's just so fucking rude. I'm sorry. Fuck. Hey, where'd Leather go? -- Chris Berman

"Did I ever tell you about the time Jay Bruce forced me to wear a woman's bikini? Well anyway, Bruce tears off my clothes and forces me to wear this skimpy bikini. For the next three months I had to hit wearing only a woman's bathing suit. I would cry from shame and question my manhood daily, but Ill be damned if at the end of the season my OBP hadn't tripled. Went up to .200." -- Corey Patterson

The key for Jay Bruce is the pitch up and in. It's his strength and weakness. He's got a quick enough bat, so if he can make contact, it's got a pretty good chance to fall in for a hit. If he's just a bit late, those odds decrease. How many guys in the league can crush the belt high fastball? Well, Jay Bruce can. -- Tim McCarver

"When I played, guys like Jay Bruce didn't exist. We had Tony Perez at first, who was about as good as it got. Davey Concepcion was the glue of our team. No one was better at fouling off the 0-2 slider than Davey. Jay Bruce, though, is another story. When he swings the bat, he makes things happen. You can almost feel when Jay Bruce is going to get a hit. Much like Barry Bonds or Jason Giambi. You just know. That's what makes baseball great." -- Joe Morgan

"Jay Bruce, you know his story. Reminds me of a young Jim Edmonds. Man, Edmonds can play. Stay tuned for the Best Sports Show Period, right after Reds live" -- George Grande

"Dude, man." -- Dusty Baker

"God laid some serious shit on the National League, man. If you're a pitcher, you just have to miz-an up a bit for me. Hang tiz-ight. Jay Bruce works for me, brother. He knows the business."-- Hulk Hogan

"I want Jay Bruce inside me" -- My buddy Steve

"Guys" that piss me off

"Guitar Hero" Guy



Holy fuck balls. You're playing a slightly less gay version of Dance Dance Revolution with a plastic controller shaped like a guitar. It has colored buttons, for fucks sake. How can anyone get into that game? IT'S JUST FUCKING PRESSING BUTTONS REALLY FAST WHILE LISTENING TO MUSIC!

"Howard Stern Fan" guy

Take a shower and shut the fuck up.

"Bury a shirt underneath Yankee Stadium" guy

What do you want to bet this guy actually had a lengthy thought process before settling on "shirt in concrete"? And how many buddies did he tell before hand? Did no one tell him "You know, Bruno (I named him Bruno), that's not really funny. It's actually retarded. You're 36 and talking about encasing a shirt in concrete. Read a book."

"I haven't watched baseball since the strike" guy

I had this exact conversation at work last week.

Me- "Have you seen Johnny Cueto yet?"

Him- "No, I refuse to watch baseball. Greedy players and greedier owners. When they had the strike, I was done.I was a huge fan growing up, too."

Me- "That's hardcore."

Not ten seconds later this guy pushes the "Close Door" button on the elevator as a lady asked him to hold it. Yeah, greedy players...

"ESPN sucks" guy

We know. Thank you.

"South Park is the best show on TV" guy

Take a shower and shut the fuck up.

Live Blogging history: NIT Selection Show

Yeah, I'm going there.

9:00 Eastern on ESPN 2. Check here for real time snarky, mildly amusing comments and hard hitting analysis.

Here we go...

8:35- Getting close. Literally tens upon tens of people are on the edge of their seat. While we wait, let's look at the projected top 4 seed lines, via Nit-ology.

1 Seeds- Ohio State, Arizona St, Virginia Tech, Illinois St
2 seeds- Florida, Syracuse, Mississippi, UMass
3 Seeds- Maryland, Dayton, New Mexico, VCU
4 Seeds- Creighton, UAB, Florida St, Oklahoma St

Seems fair, but a bit BCS heavy. I'll say Dayton gets a 2 and UMass gets a 1.

8:48- I should also mention there are 7 automatic bids to the NIT. These are teams that won their conference regular season title, but lost in the tournament.

VCU, Stephen F. Austin, Utah St, UC-Santa Barbara, Robert Morris, UNC-Asheville, Morgan St, Alabama St.

As a Dayton fan, I'm rooting for a first round game with Asheville. Kenny George is the man, and I'd like to see Charles Little dunk on him. Santa Barbara would be my next choice, only because seeing "Banana Slugs" on the UD scoreboard for two hours would be worth the price of admission. Maybe they'd bring their mascot, too.



vs



We could only hope.


8:59- I'm so excited! I'm so...scared.

9:01- Mike Gleason in the house. I've always hated Mike Gleason.

9:03- Here we go

Ohio State (1) vs UNC Asheville (8)
Cal (4) vs New Mexico (5)

Dayton (3) vs Cleveland Sate (6)
Illinois St (2) vs Utah St (7)


Dayton gets the shaft again. BRob's not happy, and you don't want an unhappy BRob.

9:13-

Virginia Tech (1) vs Morgan St (8)
VCU (4) vs UAB (5)

Nebraska (3) vs Charlotte (6)
Ole Miss (2) vs UC-Santa Barbara (7)

Now we're saying Dayton is equal to Nebraska. Sure.

9:14- Dayton plays at 6 on Wednesday on ESPNU. Thanks for the good time slot, asses.

9:17:

Arizona State (1) vs Alabama St (8)
Southern Illinois (4) vs Oklahoma St (5)

Creighton (3) vs Rhode Island (6)
Florida (2) vs San Diego St (7)

They're going too fast for me, now. I'll catch up later.

9:whatever

Syracuse (1) vs Roberts Morris (8)
Minnesota (4) vs Maryland (5)

Florida State (3) vs Akron (6)
UMass (2) vs Stephen F Austin (7)

There's your NIT field, folks. Proceed in not caring.

We're not in Kansas anymore, Cinderella

College hoops is my favorite sport, and weeks like this are exactly why. The best possible way to describe it is... a complete clusterfuck of awesome. Let's break it down...

The Good

American won the Patriot League, earning its first ever bid to the Big Dance. That's a win for all us. Especially Toby Keith.

The Bad

Raise your hand if you want to play in the NCAA tourney. Anyone? Bueller? Oh, St Joe. Is that it? Stop burning things West Virgina, we saw you, too.

Syracuse, Villanova, Maryland, Arizona St, Arizona, Oregon, Dayton, UMass, Ohio St, Illinois St, and New Mexico all needed one more win to really solidify their resume (or in the case of Illinois St, all they had to do was not get blown out), and all failed. Since there has to be 34 at large bids, you figure at least 4 or 5 of those teams will make it. Jim Tressel is intrigued by their ideas, and would like to subscribe to the newsletter.

So which of those teams will make it? I'll pick Villanova, Arizona St, Arizona, and Dayton (pending the outcome of the A10 final). That's not what teams I would pick necessarily, just who I think the Stonecutters will choose. Steve Gutenberg's Big Green is a lock.

The Ugly

Not one noteworthy performance out of a big white stiff. For shame.

West Virginia's team is ugly, too. Not only is their coach a giant mustard bottle, but they also have the goofy looking Joe Alexander, and a 22 year old kid stricken with a mean case of male pattern baldness. They say a team tends to reflect the area it represents, and I'd have to agree in WVU's case.

The Downright Fucked Up

The SEC quarterfinal game between Alabama and Mississppi State was interrupted by a Tornado Warning in Atlanta. The roof has been ripped in a couple of spots, and debris is all over the court. A possible tornado causing a basketball game to be delayed. Perfectly fitting for this week.

So grab the glass slipper, Dorothy. You have to get back to Auntie Em's before that nasty bitch turns your dog back into a pumpkin. Here's to hoping the Wicked Witch gets crushed. And by that I mean Duke.

Boycotting Bracketology

We've got less than a week until Selection Sunday, and maybe it's just because my team is squarely on the bubble, but I can't take any more of this bracketology stuff. I'd rather be balls deep in a discussion on DiPS ERA and VORP. I can't take this shit anymore.

Bracketology has evolved from a cute little projection system into a full-blown pandemic.

"This team is 5-5 vs the RPI top 100!"

"That team sucks. This team is 10-2 in its last 12!"

"Fuck you, Steve. That team lost to Alcorn State three years ago."

All we need now is a chick doing her own bracketology based on which teams have the cutest mascot or prettiest uniforms, and it will have reached office football pool levels of maddening. Joe Lunardi will update his bracket every day this week. Hillary Clinton thinks that lacks credibility.

My biggest beef: De facto play-in games. The talking heads are saying the loser of Villanova/Syracuse on Wednesday is "out". Really? Syracuse loses to a decent team so their resume is automatically worse than someone else?

"This team needs to make the finals of their conference tourney..."

So now we're giving more credence to a fucking single elimination tourney than a much larger sample sized regular season? Hulk Hogan thinks that's illogical.

I'm out. Keep reading this drivel every day, douchebags. I'm actually going to watch games and be entertained by the play on the floor. I might even clean a portion of my home*.

People are Retarded Fuck Nuggets.

I found this post on UDPride today, and wanted to share. Apparently, Brian Roberts will be a father soon. Which of course means he's a witch or something to some people.

"It was described as a "personal matter". This is simply not a good example for a Catholic school. Frankly, I hope that this thread is the last we hear of this situation. Celebrating children out of wedlock may be OK at that university across town, but not at UD IMHO!"

In four simple sentences he set Catholics back to before Martin Luther split, and took veiled shots at BRob, his girlfriend, and unborn child. He also took a shot at a local school who, if you aren't paying attention, is wonderful for the community. (Also, I go there, so it's the capital of awesome two nights a week. )

Fuck you, Douchebag McBiblethumper. May you one day get Super Aids.

To my 7 readers

I started a new job this week, and things are pretty hectic. Combined with classes 2 nights a week, and my free time is gone. I may not be around for several days, and maybe a week or two.

I won't ignore you, and I couldn't possibly ignore those big uglies in the paint. I will return when time allows.

Your fearless leader,

Captain Awesome